A trying time

I've been punting the line..."work to live NOT live to work" but i feel like my work is consuming me. Not the work exactly, choices regarding my work.

I work far away, about 70 km's or an hour away from home. Every morning I leave the house in flurry so that i miss traffic and I can make it to work on time(6:30 am these days). I make it home just in time to have supper and a little chat and then resign to recuperation for the next day.

I enjoy the work I do, I've always dreamed of doing design and development work and Alhamdulillah , that's what I am doing. Its probably no place for a gal, but I'm managing and often enough, enjoying myself.

There's sometimes tho', when I want to just be at home or at least closer to home. When I think the stresses associated with the working world and working with men is too much for me to handle. When i think that my own personal happiness in working at what makes me shine should be forfeited for the greater good.Or rather that making those around me have more enjoyable lives should be paramount to my own selfish pursuits and that in doing so I will find the most comfort.

Perhaps I need a career change, who knows , a friend of mine changed from Mechanical Engineering to Hotel Management. Maybe I should do the same or similar, and concede that the elders were right and that the engineering world is no place for a gal with good intentions.

There's things out there far harsher than workshops and heavy duty machinery. I have often re-discovered this but the words "thick skin" have never described me.

I'm stubborn , and these thoughts have crossed my mind too often. When I had to end communications with a colleague because of my feminine presence having an adverse effect on his work, I should have given up. I didn't! I wasn't going to let the men win this 1.

Its repeating itself , history and horrid thoughts of giving in to circumstance.

I said I wouldn't buckle , but that was all words. I never want to have to change me because of some1 else.

I want the world to start changing around me. Will I ever reconcile these two ambitions? Will I ever know which green grass is for me ? My fighting spirit is broken, if just for a while. 

Let the wind sweep away the fallen feather of broken wings , I am neither angel nor devil! I am human too!