i wish i could sound more enthusiastic about this beginning. Beginnings are supposed to be chocolate coated with hope of better and bigger and brighter.
I feel that i am neither better, nor brighter and only my waist line has found itself a whole lot bigger.
i keep trying to put things into perspective. I have a whole lot to be grateful for. For one i have the job that many will dream of, i have a wonderful family with whom i spend lots of quality time despite the physical distance between all of us, I have a successful NPO that keeps good kids in school and motivates them to be as much as they can be, i am well set on the path of completing my masters degree and I have my car in which i disappear to meditate (so to speak) when i need to find direction.
so i guess this is sounding a tad bit too similar to the girl next door! I cant help it. She's going through it too. The quarter life crisis. I have everything that independence can buy but I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of being so independent that i don't want to depend on anyone. And dare anyone offer to be of assistance to me! These people are not looked upon with much regard as they try to steal my hard earned independence. Why on earth would you like to help me if I can do it myself? no don't pick up those shopping bags for me I can do it myself! how dare you buy something for me, don't you think i could have bought it for myself if i needed to ? Oh no you wont solve the problem for me, I have the ability!!!
i have discovered though that with all this independence comes a large ( and i mean super huge ) amount of stress and the impossible "I" problem. I worry that i wont actually be able to carry those shopping bags or solve that problem. I worry about the need for the item "i really didn't need". What if i need it ? So yes I'm stressed. Stressed that I'm not good enough on any level. My competitiveness has gotten the better of me and boy oh boy is it harmful.
so here i am, 2012, starting off with tons of stress that i cant deal with. I don't know how to slow down. some little being inside me is warning me that I'm heading for a breakdown!
Sometimes all I wish for a shoulder to cry on (dependence!) . That's what friends are for , right? When i meet up with friends though, its always the same story. We are competitive to the extent that lunches turn into shows of accolades, comparison of status symbols and battles for first place.
we were never like this. Growing up, we used to be there to support each other. A wedge has grown between us and the only description that i have for it is the mantra that adults taught us..."strive for success"
i wish they explained in more detail what success is. Why must success be depicted as the flashiest cars and the latest apparel. To me success is being able to manage the shift in responsibility of older societies to modern society. Where the older generation barely grappled with these questions because it wasn't their focus, I find myself and people in my circles constantly trying to solve their modern lives while deeply immersed in the remnants of the genetically superior beings shortfalls. there is no written plan on how to make it work. the goal post keeps shifting though. Next month , success will be painted in a different shade of grey.
I'm standing at a crossroads at the beginning of this year. while the two paths wont kill my ambition they may redefine success for me: the one may lead me to another mirage of ultimate success, the other will yield and accept the present achievements as my success and perhaps success of a different kind. Its a choice i have to make.
the only enthusiasm that I have is hidden in the pursuit of happiness. I hope that the existence of happiness isnt another fallacy created to get the world to beat to a silent pulse.
